AP- After a 6 month hiatus our very own Misnomer reporter, Connor Schulte, gives his first hand take on life as a protester
September 23rd was the day that changed my life forever. After “rocking” my geology quiz (I’m here all week folks), I came home to watch The War at Home and became fixated on the material within. For those who have not watched this masterpiece, it concerns protesters at the University of Wisconsin-Madison during the Vietnam War. The fervor of the protesters depicted in this documentary astounded me and had me asking why we do not have the same feelings about anything but coffee cake. I knew then what I must do; I had to change my major to protester. It didn’t matter what material I protested as long as I made a difference for a generation or resume. After a quick google search on available march’s in the area I found a link to a March of the Penguins. I was set, I packed my bags and was off to the arctic rim to march!
What surprised me most about the march I was about to embark on was that I was the only one who had signed up to march; with exception to two filmmakers who were apparently there to film my exploits as a protester. Regardless, I was ready to impress and make a difference. We started with a 62-mile march to what must have been the center of the polar ice cap in -80 degree temperatures. You could have sprayed me with fire hoses and I still would have stayed the course! When we reached the protest site I was ecstatic to learn that we would be taking part in a two month sit in. Even with the whipping winds and temperature levels approaching absolute zero I felt consoled by the fact that I was making a difference in this world. Days passed into weeks and weeks into months. This allowed me to appropriately grow my “protest beard” to accompany my “protest sandals” and protest “drug-rug”. During this “March of the Penguins” sit-in I was forced to eat only eggs, produced by the interesting birds that accompanied us during our protest. It must have been Gods will to provide us with this bounty, for when the eggs ran out I had plenty of penguins to feast upon as well as frolic with.
At the conclusion of my trip I was only able to count to 7 as a result of having 3 of my fingers either bitten or frozen off, I had lost all feeling in the left half of my body, and could now see objects only if they were moving. But I had made a difference in a child’s life, changed a nation and fulfilled a wish. I saw it in a dream in which a banner hung behind me on a gigantic warship that read “MISSON ACCOMPISHED” in golden red, white, and blue. In Russian I heard the playful screams emanating from a playground in the distance celebrating my peaceful defeat of the enemy that dared stand against us. Today, I suffer from only a mild case of dementia and still practice my activism in protesting. In 3 days time I plan to take part in an annual 31-day event simply called “March”. I am excited to stick it to the man once more and take down the evil corporations that beat down upon the labored backs of today’s youth. If you wish to join me, e-mail the misnomer at email@example.com .